Yesterday, I was having a pretty decent day. My best friend took me out for dinner and I actually ate a whole cup of soup (for me, that is currently a win). After watching a movie, I could feel the pangs of depression creeping up on me. I was so sick and tired of being sad, that I did something uncharacteristic of myself. I made myself a drink. The pain of being unbearably sad went away. I felt good, I was laughing, and I was smiling. Of course, I know the feeling would go away and when it did, the sadness came back tenfold. I sat and cried, or actually sobbed, for a solid hour. Once I finally did stop crying, I sat on the couch until 7:00 am, watching Grey’s Anatomy reruns and searching the internet for nothing in particular.
I got a whole two hours of sleep before I woke up again feeling even lower than when I went to sleep. I immediately started to cry. The thought of making myself another drink just to take the feelings of sadness away crossed my mind and it took everything in my body not to. I’m not this person. I’m not the person who runs away from my problems, who wants to have a drink because I’m sad. I’m not this person and I hate it. I cried today from 9:00 am till 5:00 pm. Thankfully, I had the support of my best friend who was kind enough to cancel her afternoon plans and sit at my house with me. She held my hand, let me ramble, wiped away my tears, and left me cry until I fell asleep holding her hand. I’m not sure I can ever repay her for that.
Even now, I find myself crying. Every muscle in my body aches. I swear, even my hair hurts. Like I said, rock bottom. I’m not sure where I am going to go from here, but it sure as hell can only be up.