The last few days have been full of ups and downs, but then again, when isn’t my life lately? I’m so tired. Physically and mentally exhausted, but no matter what I do, I can’t bring myself to close my eyes.
While the last two days have been really good and filled with positive thoughts and energy, the nights have been full of uncontrollable crying. Even tonight, while staying with one of my friends, I had to excuse myself to just sit and cry for a while when I should be sleeping instead. I don’t know the last time I felt this tired, and that I think that is one of the reasons I can’t stop crying. My body is just physically done.
The weird thing is, I don’t know what I’m crying for. Over the last few days I’ve had some wonderful heart to heart conversations with many people around me and it really helped to feel open and not so alone. While I did a lot of crying when talking with my friends this week, I think that at night is the first time I sit down and actually get to process my feelings from a standpoint without anyone else, and frankly it is a little overwhelming.
I’ve felt the familiar signs of anxiety all too often over the last few days, and while I know I need to just let the anxieties and tears flow, I am trying so hard to just push them back in. I know that isn’t the right thing to do. Emotions deserve to be felt, no matter what type of emotions they are.
I’m so frustrated with myself and I feel like I’ve failed every person around me, even though I know I haven’t and that I am under no obligation to anyone but myself.
Tonight is one of those nights where I just want to wave the white flag and give in to all the emotions. I know that I am working to be a positive person, one who is free of anxieties and depression, but right now, I just need to feel for a little bit, even if it is with tears.
Of course, I will not end without talking about something positive, and today my positive moment and moment that I am most grateful for is that my best friend and I were able to have a very long conversation last night (I mean, for me, who doesn't doesn't communicate it was like painfully long with so many hugs and tears). We both talked openly with one another what we need from each other, and where we thought we were lacking before.
I know that all of the emotions I have been feeling towards everyone around me are just ways my anxiety and depression manifest itself within and show the true way I view myself. I've been carrying around so much guilt and resentment for reasons that I still don't quite know or understand, but I'm ready to work through them and to learn to love myself better than ever as well as all of those around me.
I know that this blog posting was a bit all over the place today, I like to usually try to stick with one subject, but I needed to write tonight. In hopes, that it will slow my brain down enough to be able to sleep. Even if for just a few hours.
Until tomorrow.
While the last two days have been really good and filled with positive thoughts and energy, the nights have been full of uncontrollable crying. Even tonight, while staying with one of my friends, I had to excuse myself to just sit and cry for a while when I should be sleeping instead. I don’t know the last time I felt this tired, and that I think that is one of the reasons I can’t stop crying. My body is just physically done.
The weird thing is, I don’t know what I’m crying for. Over the last few days I’ve had some wonderful heart to heart conversations with many people around me and it really helped to feel open and not so alone. While I did a lot of crying when talking with my friends this week, I think that at night is the first time I sit down and actually get to process my feelings from a standpoint without anyone else, and frankly it is a little overwhelming.
I’ve felt the familiar signs of anxiety all too often over the last few days, and while I know I need to just let the anxieties and tears flow, I am trying so hard to just push them back in. I know that isn’t the right thing to do. Emotions deserve to be felt, no matter what type of emotions they are.
I’m so frustrated with myself and I feel like I’ve failed every person around me, even though I know I haven’t and that I am under no obligation to anyone but myself.
Tonight is one of those nights where I just want to wave the white flag and give in to all the emotions. I know that I am working to be a positive person, one who is free of anxieties and depression, but right now, I just need to feel for a little bit, even if it is with tears.
Of course, I will not end without talking about something positive, and today my positive moment and moment that I am most grateful for is that my best friend and I were able to have a very long conversation last night (I mean, for me, who doesn't doesn't communicate it was like painfully long with so many hugs and tears). We both talked openly with one another what we need from each other, and where we thought we were lacking before.
I know that all of the emotions I have been feeling towards everyone around me are just ways my anxiety and depression manifest itself within and show the true way I view myself. I've been carrying around so much guilt and resentment for reasons that I still don't quite know or understand, but I'm ready to work through them and to learn to love myself better than ever as well as all of those around me.
I know that this blog posting was a bit all over the place today, I like to usually try to stick with one subject, but I needed to write tonight. In hopes, that it will slow my brain down enough to be able to sleep. Even if for just a few hours.
Until tomorrow.