I’ve been slacking in writing over the last few days. Partially because I am spending a large amount of my time writing for others and partially because I’m really not sure what to say right now.
I’m starting to feel like I am at a better place in my life. Relationships I have with people are growing as I learn to trust other people and myself more. I am learning how to communicate and learning that when I do communicate rather than hold my feelings in, that everyone stands a better chance of winning.
My biggest fear right now still is within my decisions surrounding my job. I want to give my notice badly. I know that would be the final weight to get off my chest and that knowing that I didn’t have to go back to a toxic environment would make me feel even more mentally stronger than I have been. However, it isn’t as easy as calling work and telling them that I am not coming back. I have to worry about money and even more importantly health insurance. I’ve been told that I should stop thinking about it over the weekend, to just spend some time enjoying life, but my mind cannot stop worrying about what I should do. How do you make the decision between feeling mentally stable and possibly hurting everything around you by not having the money or health insurance to take care of yourself in the future?
My heart hurts when I think about it because I do not want to go back to work. Actually, I want to go back to work, but I do not want to go back to where I am right now. My therapist says that I am setting myself up for failure if I think that I cannot accomplish going back and that I need to think positive, but I think it is so much more than that. I know, deep down inside, that if I go back to work the same exact thing that has happened to me over the last few months is going to happen over and over again. I do not think it is negative thinking, I think it is realistic thinking.
This is where my biggest problem currently is because when I think I have made up my mind and that I will not go back to working where I am, I begin to feel like a failure. What type of adult gets so depressed and anxious over their job that they literally cannot perform? I feel selfish. I feel like I am hurting everyone around me if I do not go back to work because I know of the financial consequences, but I do not know if I can mentally go back to a place where I felt so underappreciated and was set up for nothing but constant failure.
I’m still not sure what I am going to do. I keep playing through every scenario in my mind, trying to find one that is a win/win situation for everyone, but I’m not sure I’ve found it yet. I’m not sure that one exists.
While I’ve been feeling extremely anxious over this decision, I cannot forget to think about everything in my life that I am grateful for. I’m thankful for the relationships that I have in my life. For each person who has supported me and allowed me to cry on their shoulders over the last few months. I know that the tears haven’t stopped forever yet, and that there will always be days where I need to cry, but I feel better knowing I have a great group of family and friends around me.
I’m starting to feel like I am at a better place in my life. Relationships I have with people are growing as I learn to trust other people and myself more. I am learning how to communicate and learning that when I do communicate rather than hold my feelings in, that everyone stands a better chance of winning.
My biggest fear right now still is within my decisions surrounding my job. I want to give my notice badly. I know that would be the final weight to get off my chest and that knowing that I didn’t have to go back to a toxic environment would make me feel even more mentally stronger than I have been. However, it isn’t as easy as calling work and telling them that I am not coming back. I have to worry about money and even more importantly health insurance. I’ve been told that I should stop thinking about it over the weekend, to just spend some time enjoying life, but my mind cannot stop worrying about what I should do. How do you make the decision between feeling mentally stable and possibly hurting everything around you by not having the money or health insurance to take care of yourself in the future?
My heart hurts when I think about it because I do not want to go back to work. Actually, I want to go back to work, but I do not want to go back to where I am right now. My therapist says that I am setting myself up for failure if I think that I cannot accomplish going back and that I need to think positive, but I think it is so much more than that. I know, deep down inside, that if I go back to work the same exact thing that has happened to me over the last few months is going to happen over and over again. I do not think it is negative thinking, I think it is realistic thinking.
This is where my biggest problem currently is because when I think I have made up my mind and that I will not go back to working where I am, I begin to feel like a failure. What type of adult gets so depressed and anxious over their job that they literally cannot perform? I feel selfish. I feel like I am hurting everyone around me if I do not go back to work because I know of the financial consequences, but I do not know if I can mentally go back to a place where I felt so underappreciated and was set up for nothing but constant failure.
I’m still not sure what I am going to do. I keep playing through every scenario in my mind, trying to find one that is a win/win situation for everyone, but I’m not sure I’ve found it yet. I’m not sure that one exists.
While I’ve been feeling extremely anxious over this decision, I cannot forget to think about everything in my life that I am grateful for. I’m thankful for the relationships that I have in my life. For each person who has supported me and allowed me to cry on their shoulders over the last few months. I know that the tears haven’t stopped forever yet, and that there will always be days where I need to cry, but I feel better knowing I have a great group of family and friends around me.