Today is a special day in my family; it’s my mom’s birthday. While I should be out celebrating with her and her friends right now, I’m sitting at home in my pajamas instead. I didn’t get to sleep until after six this morning. I tried watching television, a little reading, and even listening to music. All of that, paired with my sleeping medication didn’t relax me enough to be able to fall asleep. My mind was still racing.
I woke up a little after nine this morning and then quickly fell back asleep and slept till almost one this afternoon. Mom and I had a few errands to run, and by the time we got home, I was already feeling exhausted. I pushed on and showered and got as far as to put on makeup, something I haven’t done in a long time. I told my mom that it might be a good idea to take two cars because I wasn’t sure how long I would be able to stay out for. I told her that I really wasn’t up for going out, and she told me that I should stay home if I wanted to, that I needed to take care of myself first.
It hurt that I couldn’t go out tonight with her to celebrate on her special day. I wanted to go, to have fun, have some human contact and interact with people for a few hours, but I just couldn’t do it. Instead I changed into pajamas and washed the makeup off my face.
I know that everyone around me tells me that I’m being too hard on myself, and maybe I am, but I just feel like I should be feeling more stable by now and that the mood swings and rollercoaster of emotions should have stopped. Deep down, I know that I can’t put a timeframe on getting better, but I am still allowed to be frustrated about it.
Tonight, I’m focusing on trying to go to bed early. Well, earlier than six in the morning. I know my body is craving rest right now and I need to give in and give it the break it needs.
I woke up a little after nine this morning and then quickly fell back asleep and slept till almost one this afternoon. Mom and I had a few errands to run, and by the time we got home, I was already feeling exhausted. I pushed on and showered and got as far as to put on makeup, something I haven’t done in a long time. I told my mom that it might be a good idea to take two cars because I wasn’t sure how long I would be able to stay out for. I told her that I really wasn’t up for going out, and she told me that I should stay home if I wanted to, that I needed to take care of myself first.
It hurt that I couldn’t go out tonight with her to celebrate on her special day. I wanted to go, to have fun, have some human contact and interact with people for a few hours, but I just couldn’t do it. Instead I changed into pajamas and washed the makeup off my face.
I know that everyone around me tells me that I’m being too hard on myself, and maybe I am, but I just feel like I should be feeling more stable by now and that the mood swings and rollercoaster of emotions should have stopped. Deep down, I know that I can’t put a timeframe on getting better, but I am still allowed to be frustrated about it.
Tonight, I’m focusing on trying to go to bed early. Well, earlier than six in the morning. I know my body is craving rest right now and I need to give in and give it the break it needs.