Piggybacking off my post from last night, I wanted to spend some time today talking about what not to say to someone who is coping with a mental illness such as depression or anxiety. While the isolation of losing family and friends can be heartbreaking, sometimes the words people say to you is just as hurtful even when they are spoken with the best of intentions. Below, are some of the examples I’ve personally experienced or would have a hard time hearing from those around me.
1) “You don’t look sick.”- Many people battling a mental illness are extremely hard on themselves and saying to them that they do not look sick can make them feel even worse about not being able to accomplish all the things that they want to on a daily basis. Not all diseases have signs or symptoms that show on the outside.
2) “Everyone gets tired.”- I personally understand that everyone gets tired from time to time. However, when dealing with a mental illness, the exhaustion that goes along with it can be devastating. Frequently, I have a hard time getting out of bed at all. I’ve gone days without showing because I don’t have the energy to stand for more than a few minutes, and I can’t even think about making a healthy meal or doing a task like folding laundry. Everyone does get tired yes, but mental and physical exhaustion that accompanies an illness is on a different spectrum. Telling someone suffering from depression that everyone gets tired at times is like saying to them that their symptom is not real enough.
3) “Why don’t you work?”- I have been out of work now for just about two months, and have had people personally ask me why I am not at work. This question is particularly hurtful to me, because it isn’t that I do not want to work, but I currently physically cannot work. My work environment is not one that is conducive to someone with a mental illness. At a call center, I do not have the luxury to get up from my desk when I am feeling overwhelmed or to stop in the middle of a phone call if I need to break down and cry. With the extreme tiredness that I have been coping with, working a full day would be next to impossible. Lately, I’ve been waking up between 11:00AM-12:00PM, and by the time 4:00PM comes around; I am so fatigued that I need to close my eyes.
4) “Get busy and distract yourself”- To someone who is coping with a mental illness, even being busy is not always enough to distract from the feelings that are going on internally. I’ve recently taken to doing puzzles at my kitchen table as a way to try to distract myself, but on some days even trying to concentrate on a simple task like putting a puzzle together prove to be too much to handle. There have been times where I’ve started to cry in the middle of putting puzzles together just because of how overwhelmed I am. Distractions do not always help.
5) “Have you tried…”- What works for one person with a mental illness, does not always work for everyone. I’ve tried just about everything out there (medications, meditation, exercise, diet, vitamins, therapy, etc). While well intentioned, asking someone with a mental illness if they have tried something can make them second guess their plan of action in coping and dealing with their emotions.
The short list above are just a few of the common phrases that when used may make a person with a mental disorder push themselves away and retreat deeper into isolation. Tomorrow, I am hoping to highlight some of the best ways to show someone dealing with a mental illness that you are there for them.
1) “You don’t look sick.”- Many people battling a mental illness are extremely hard on themselves and saying to them that they do not look sick can make them feel even worse about not being able to accomplish all the things that they want to on a daily basis. Not all diseases have signs or symptoms that show on the outside.
2) “Everyone gets tired.”- I personally understand that everyone gets tired from time to time. However, when dealing with a mental illness, the exhaustion that goes along with it can be devastating. Frequently, I have a hard time getting out of bed at all. I’ve gone days without showing because I don’t have the energy to stand for more than a few minutes, and I can’t even think about making a healthy meal or doing a task like folding laundry. Everyone does get tired yes, but mental and physical exhaustion that accompanies an illness is on a different spectrum. Telling someone suffering from depression that everyone gets tired at times is like saying to them that their symptom is not real enough.
3) “Why don’t you work?”- I have been out of work now for just about two months, and have had people personally ask me why I am not at work. This question is particularly hurtful to me, because it isn’t that I do not want to work, but I currently physically cannot work. My work environment is not one that is conducive to someone with a mental illness. At a call center, I do not have the luxury to get up from my desk when I am feeling overwhelmed or to stop in the middle of a phone call if I need to break down and cry. With the extreme tiredness that I have been coping with, working a full day would be next to impossible. Lately, I’ve been waking up between 11:00AM-12:00PM, and by the time 4:00PM comes around; I am so fatigued that I need to close my eyes.
4) “Get busy and distract yourself”- To someone who is coping with a mental illness, even being busy is not always enough to distract from the feelings that are going on internally. I’ve recently taken to doing puzzles at my kitchen table as a way to try to distract myself, but on some days even trying to concentrate on a simple task like putting a puzzle together prove to be too much to handle. There have been times where I’ve started to cry in the middle of putting puzzles together just because of how overwhelmed I am. Distractions do not always help.
5) “Have you tried…”- What works for one person with a mental illness, does not always work for everyone. I’ve tried just about everything out there (medications, meditation, exercise, diet, vitamins, therapy, etc). While well intentioned, asking someone with a mental illness if they have tried something can make them second guess their plan of action in coping and dealing with their emotions.
The short list above are just a few of the common phrases that when used may make a person with a mental disorder push themselves away and retreat deeper into isolation. Tomorrow, I am hoping to highlight some of the best ways to show someone dealing with a mental illness that you are there for them.